This is the fourth in a series of blog posts about results from our nationwide survey, entitled “Lessons in Coping with Economic Anxiety –  A Gift from Our Elders”.  The survey results were announced in conjunction with the annual conference Aging in America 2009.  To read the story of the interesting and inspiring findings, see http://www.walkerwonder.com/pages.php?pageid=24

A while back, I received a “Happy New Year” letter from a good friend. She wrote the letter instead of the usual “Merry Christmas letter” because her family had been unable to gather together for the holidays until the holidays were almost over. This letter was different than many such letters. It spoke honestly about the challenges different family members were facing. But it wasn’t depressing or doom-and gloom. It also celebrated joyful events like the birth of a new grandchild and the upcoming first-anniversary of the youngest son and his wife. The key message wasn’t, “We’re all so perfect.” Instead it was, “Some of us faced illness; almost all had economic worries; but the real gift of these holidays was our presence with one another.”

What a reminder about the importance of family and friends!  In our Lessons in Coping survey, half of survey respondents said that their elders taught them to cherish and rely on friends and family during challenging economic times, saying that these deep and longstanding relationships were among life’s real treasures.  From one survey respondent: “Our mother taught us that any gift given is more valuable if given from the heart and not from the wallet.”

Wrote another survey respondent: “My German grandparents were the most wonderful, loving and generous people. I’m certain I learned how to give and love because of them.”  What an amazing gift from one generation to another - the ability to love!

Such “heart gifts” also pay quite handsome dividends, even though those dividends aren’t monetary. Many survey respondents told us that they were coping with economic uncertainties by relying on these kinds of gifts from their elders years ago. “My father’s family never really had money,” wrote one respondent. “After they all passed away, I realized that MONEY isn’t everything; your family and happiness are everything.” Another told us, “My grandparents both lived through the Depression. Love was the most important thing in their house and that’s how we try to live.”

Now in all honesty none of us has a perfect family. Who doesn’t have “difficult” relatives? (Although neither I nor any of my readers could possibly be a difficult relative - hmmm?) Some of us have also created “families of choice,” made up of dear and trusted friends, in lieu of birth-families that were just too difficult to endure. But regardless of each family’s unique structure, the common thread is the human bond that sustains us through good times and bad. As one survey respondent wrote, “My Mom always said, money comes and goes. As long as you keep your family around you, you will be rich.”

Any comments about the importance of family and friends during today’s challenges?  Share your comments below.

This is the third in a series of blog posts about results from our nationwide survey, entitled “Lessons in Coping with Economic Anxiety – A Gift from Our Elders”. The survey results were announced in conjunction with the annual conference Aging in America 2009. To read the story of the interesting and inspiring findings, see http://www.walkerwonder.com/pages.php?pageid=24

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” - Mark Twain

Trouble, including economic trouble, was certainly no stranger to Mark Twain. During the course of his life, he lost large amounts of money in unsuccessful investments, owned a publishing company that failed, and declared bankruptcy. Yet, he says, most of the troubles in his life never happened. These, of course, were the troubles that existed only in his mind as fears and worries.

In our survey, many of our respondents told us that their elders had given them similar advice about fear and worry. A 19-year old man in Texas wrote, “My family has shown me to remain calm even in the most difficult of times. Heck, if you listen to the experts, half the things you do in a normal day can kill you. Why live your life in fear?”

I do think that much of what we read and hear today, especially about the economy, generates fear. I don’t think this is some conspiracy to keep everyone frightened. Rather I think it is simply the fact that fearful things are the most newsworthy.

I recently read a newspaper story about an industry in my local area. The writer reported that there could be layoffs next year. Consider that. There could be layoffs next year. Conversely (but certainly not mentioned in the news article), there could also be a major new contract awarded next year. There could also be a tornado, hurricane or earthquake by next year.

I believe the findings in our WalkerWonder survey are newsworthy, too. And they are not fear-filled. Rather our respondents stressed things like gratitude, persistence and love of friends and family. A woman in her early 40s told us, “Thanks to the example of my grandparents, I don’t have economic fears.” Notice this respondent did not say, “I don’t have economic challenges;” rather “I don’t have economic fears.”

In reading this, you might assume that I personally have known nothing of economic setbacks. Not so! I have lost a job I thought would be mine until I was ready for a comfortable retirement. I have been without health insurance and been burdened with massive bills for healthcare. And I have been very, very frightened by these things.

What I have learned is that fear does not prevent the layoff, the pay cut or the hospital bill from arriving. But it does sap the energy and creativity needed to solve the problem.

I can also assure you that, like Mark Twain, I have been very, very frightened by a lot of things that never happened to me. One of our survey respondents, a woman in Colorado, shared the wisdom she learned from her mother about our human tendency to fear what “might happen.” She wrote, “My mother taught me that fear was the worst thing. She would point out articles and news stories where someone said, ‘I was always afraid of x, and now x has happened to me.’ She illustrated her lesson with those examples. Thanks to her, ‘No Fear’ is my motto.”

Perhaps, when we can embrace calm and keep fear at bay, our vision becomes clearer and we can see alternatives to the [fill in your own disaster] that might occur. It’s just possible that things will be OK. Or if they’re not OK, that a solution will be found. Or what appears to be a crisis might even evolve into an opportunity. As one respondent wrote, “I’m not giving in to economic fears because my dad always taught me to be an investor, no matter what and especially when times are down. He taught me to look at it as a great opportunity for the future.”

What are your thoughts? Do you ever feel afraid in these challenging times? If so, how do you manage economic fears? Did you learn anything from your elders that helps? Please share your comments and check back soon for the next post in this series. With Mother’s Day and Father’s Day coming soon, I’ll be sharing thoughts from our survey respondents about the importance of family in good times and in bad.

This is the second in a series of blog posts about results from our nationwide survey, entitled “Lessons in Coping with Economic Anxiety – A Gift from Our Elders”. The survey results were announced in conjunction with the annual conference Aging in America 2009. To read the story of the interesting and inspiring findings, see http://www.walkerwonder.com/pages.php?pageid=24.

In one of the stories people shared with us in our survey, a respondent wrote, “One of my brothers told me, ‘Sis you’ve got to learn how to roll with the punches.’” After reading that, I started to notice how people talked about perseverance, this key quality people rely on in their everyday lives.

Interestingly, not one person said, “My grandparents taught me to persevere;” or “My parents were very perseverant.” Rather, people wrote about people – elder family members and friends who had given them a gift by being a role model for how to keep going in the face of hardship and work to overcome challenges. For example, a 35 year-old woman in Georgia wrote: “My grandparents worked very hard for what they had and always told me I could accomplish anything I wanted through work and never giving up.”

The elders our respondents admired lived lives of everyday courage and optimism. Not necessarily dramatic but always inspirational, they shared their courage and optimism with younger generations.

From a 37 year-old woman in Florida:
The father of one of my mentors did an amazing thing during the Depression. He took basically the last of his money and went and bought every piece of Hanes underwear and undershirts he could gather up from a warehouse in NYC. He brought them back to his store in Florida and rode out the times because people would still buy underwear. Hearing this and remembering this always encourages me to believe that, even when times seem really, really bad, you can still figure out a way to survive and thrive!

From a 20 year old man from California:
My grandfather died during the Vietnam War leaving my grandmother with six children. My grandmother overcame the hardship of raising a family by herself in her early 30s. She raised my mother and her siblings to become caring parents themselves. A lesson that I have learned from my family history is that…as cliché as it is…to be alive is to never give up.

From a 60 year old woman in NY:
My mom raised my brother and me alone and on welfare with no help from friends or family. She taught us to live with dignity and pride and to make do with what we had. She taught us to enjoy life in the simple things we did have. When things finally got better for us, she saved some of what little we had for the next round, if it should fall upon us again. When I started to work, I always saved something too; not so much for the rainy days but because I didn’t really need much. Today my kids do the same thing.

These stories got me to thinking about my own family. I come from parents and grandparents who persevered too. I had grandparents who immigrated to America by boat, in lowly and crowed steerage class. They passed through Ellis Island and then set about building new lives for themselves and their children. I had parents who grew up during the Depression and walked to school in deep snow when that was no cliché. My family members, and the elders our respondents wrote about, persevered through economic setbacks and wars as well as other challenges, but they kept their eye on building joy and prosperity.

To me, here is the most amazing and essential theme: While each of these stories is unique, they all make the same point. The elders our survey respondents told us about - from all areas of the country and from all walks of life - certainly experienced hardships, but they nevertheless found the will and the way to win through. Here’s a host of perfectly ordinary people who did extraordinary things in the face of major setbacks and challenges. They persevered. That lesson in coping is surely a gift from our elders.

Any comments about perseverance in the face of today’s challenges? Any formative experience you want to share about “rolling with the punches”? Share your comments below.

Check back soon for the next post in this series.